Hello Aswani!
Your manuscript is mature and lyrical, and reflects a creative sense of staging.
Here are my comments:
1) Your title should either be Satamilla OR Without Sound. Do not include translations in parentheses.
2) Proofread your work carefully. Do NOT take stage directions for granted--they guide not only the director but also the performers and your readers. On Page 3, 7th Line from the Bottom, you have "SANJEEVAN closes the door to exit", which should read "SANJEEVAN exits and closes the door behind him".
3) Scenes 2 and 3 are underwritten, as though they were mere transition scenes in a movie or TV episode. Give both scenes dramatic substance. Both scenes should demonstrate your premise more clearly.
4) I love your juxtaposition of past and present. It is as though your play were really about reincarnation and the flashbacks are not scenes from the immediate past but scenes from a previous lifetime. (Although, in a sense, they are.)
5) How do you visualize the seduction in Scene 6: Is SUSEELA 2 performing onstage alone? If the MAN is physically absent in this scene, won't the audience infer that this scene from the past is merely a figment of SUSEELA's imagination?
6) Be aware of frequent scene changes that require complete set-ups of furniture and props. I have yet to see a revolving stage at TheatreWorks.
7) Scene 7: This is SUSEELA 2 on the stage, not SUSEELA, but you neglected to indicate so.
8) On Page 12, Last Line, YU LING says, "...I know that Mother Mary is around you..." Then on Page 13, Line 5, she says, "I'm from a Buddhist family..." The audience might laugh out loud, unless that is your intention.
9) Always keep in mind that both SANJEEVAN and SUSEELA must have well-developed characters. One should not merely be a sounding board for the other.
Do proceed with this play along the above guidelines. I look forward to seeing how it develops and how it ends.
Your manuscript is mature and lyrical, and reflects a creative sense of staging.
Here are my comments:
1) Your title should either be Satamilla OR Without Sound. Do not include translations in parentheses.
2) Proofread your work carefully. Do NOT take stage directions for granted--they guide not only the director but also the performers and your readers. On Page 3, 7th Line from the Bottom, you have "SANJEEVAN closes the door to exit", which should read "SANJEEVAN exits and closes the door behind him".
3) Scenes 2 and 3 are underwritten, as though they were mere transition scenes in a movie or TV episode. Give both scenes dramatic substance. Both scenes should demonstrate your premise more clearly.
4) I love your juxtaposition of past and present. It is as though your play were really about reincarnation and the flashbacks are not scenes from the immediate past but scenes from a previous lifetime. (Although, in a sense, they are.)
5) How do you visualize the seduction in Scene 6: Is SUSEELA 2 performing onstage alone? If the MAN is physically absent in this scene, won't the audience infer that this scene from the past is merely a figment of SUSEELA's imagination?
6) Be aware of frequent scene changes that require complete set-ups of furniture and props. I have yet to see a revolving stage at TheatreWorks.
7) Scene 7: This is SUSEELA 2 on the stage, not SUSEELA, but you neglected to indicate so.
8) On Page 12, Last Line, YU LING says, "...I know that Mother Mary is around you..." Then on Page 13, Line 5, she says, "I'm from a Buddhist family..." The audience might laugh out loud, unless that is your intention.
9) Always keep in mind that both SANJEEVAN and SUSEELA must have well-developed characters. One should not merely be a sounding board for the other.
Do proceed with this play along the above guidelines. I look forward to seeing how it develops and how it ends.
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