Hello Aswani!
You've done a substantial amount of work on your play. The scenes are more stageable, the characters are more real, and you have the gift of writing compelling dialogue.
Just a few more comments on this draft:
1) Scene 3 seems underwritten. Make an effort to have all your scenes balanced--in content and in length. You also need to justify YOUNGER SUSEELA's presence. The audience won't know what's going on.
2) The presence of YOUNGER SUSEELA in succeeding scenes is also perplexing and apparently unjustified.
3) Each of your scenes is dynamic, but always be careful not to push the dramatic to the melodramatic.
4) Scene 7 is disjointed because you wrote this in chunks rather than allow the scene to write itself. Never think in terms of fragments--you will only end up with Procrustean, stilted results.
Same comment for Scene 12.
Whenever you are unable to follow a scene through, ask yourself whether the scene is evoking emotional truth within you. Go with the emotion; don't fight it off or block it. Remember our lesson on the defense mechanisms. You need to drop your defenses and allow yourself to be vulnerable in order to be an effective playwright.
5) Go through your stage directions again for clarity and economy. For instance, instead of writing "He returns back", just write "He returns".
6) Scene 9 is static. You could bring it to life by giving cause for SANJEEVAN to have a breakdown. Externalize his internal conflict.
7) In Scene 10, well into the play, the presence of YOUNG SUSEELA is still unclear and apparently useless.
8) In Scene 12, for the first time the character YOUNG SANJEEVAN appears. Work him into the earlier scenes. Develop a dramatic, albeit metaphysical, relationship between YOUNG SUSEELA and YOUNG SANJEEVAN if possible. If you can swing this, your play will be truly masterful.
9) In the entire script, always identify YOUNG SANJEEVAN as YOUNG SANJEEVAN and not as SANJEEVAN.
10) Scene 13. I love your death meditation!
11) Scene 14 (B) is also underwritten. The symbolism of the peacock feather is lost unless a significant reference to it is made in a previous scene.
12) Scene 17. The ending of your play is too abrupt--almost as though you were afraid to touch it. Provide catharsis for your audience. You owe it to them. An elegy in which all of the characters (including SUSEELA) rise to address the audience is one solution. It is also the best time and opportunity for the voices of YOUNG SUSEELA and YOUNG SANJEEVAN to be heard. An alternative is to give the entire elegy to SANJEEVAN.
Be persistent, be tenacious, and always keep in mind that producing a work of literary art, like a huge tapestry, needs time and patience. Every color and every thread must fall in place.
I look forward to receiving the next draft of your play.
You've done a substantial amount of work on your play. The scenes are more stageable, the characters are more real, and you have the gift of writing compelling dialogue.
Just a few more comments on this draft:
1) Scene 3 seems underwritten. Make an effort to have all your scenes balanced--in content and in length. You also need to justify YOUNGER SUSEELA's presence. The audience won't know what's going on.
2) The presence of YOUNGER SUSEELA in succeeding scenes is also perplexing and apparently unjustified.
3) Each of your scenes is dynamic, but always be careful not to push the dramatic to the melodramatic.
4) Scene 7 is disjointed because you wrote this in chunks rather than allow the scene to write itself. Never think in terms of fragments--you will only end up with Procrustean, stilted results.
Same comment for Scene 12.
Whenever you are unable to follow a scene through, ask yourself whether the scene is evoking emotional truth within you. Go with the emotion; don't fight it off or block it. Remember our lesson on the defense mechanisms. You need to drop your defenses and allow yourself to be vulnerable in order to be an effective playwright.
5) Go through your stage directions again for clarity and economy. For instance, instead of writing "He returns back", just write "He returns".
6) Scene 9 is static. You could bring it to life by giving cause for SANJEEVAN to have a breakdown. Externalize his internal conflict.
7) In Scene 10, well into the play, the presence of YOUNG SUSEELA is still unclear and apparently useless.
8) In Scene 12, for the first time the character YOUNG SANJEEVAN appears. Work him into the earlier scenes. Develop a dramatic, albeit metaphysical, relationship between YOUNG SUSEELA and YOUNG SANJEEVAN if possible. If you can swing this, your play will be truly masterful.
9) In the entire script, always identify YOUNG SANJEEVAN as YOUNG SANJEEVAN and not as SANJEEVAN.
10) Scene 13. I love your death meditation!
11) Scene 14 (B) is also underwritten. The symbolism of the peacock feather is lost unless a significant reference to it is made in a previous scene.
12) Scene 17. The ending of your play is too abrupt--almost as though you were afraid to touch it. Provide catharsis for your audience. You owe it to them. An elegy in which all of the characters (including SUSEELA) rise to address the audience is one solution. It is also the best time and opportunity for the voices of YOUNG SUSEELA and YOUNG SANJEEVAN to be heard. An alternative is to give the entire elegy to SANJEEVAN.
Be persistent, be tenacious, and always keep in mind that producing a work of literary art, like a huge tapestry, needs time and patience. Every color and every thread must fall in place.
I look forward to receiving the next draft of your play.
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