Dramaturgy for TheatreWorks Singapore: _A Commitment_ by Ivan

Hello Ivan!

Your draft promises an interesting play. Be mindful, however, that the subject of gay marriages and gay partnerships has been tackled by other playwrights before; your play will shine only if it offers new, 21st-century insights. Here are my comments:

--Page 1, Line 5, Stage Direction, Top of Page: "at the bottom right corner" = "at the bottom right corner of the mirror"
--Always proofread your work. For example, Page 1, Line 1: "thought" = "taught". There are many other examples all throughout your work. A play with a lot of typos is like a photograph that is out of focus.
--You begin your play with parallel scenes depicting flashbacks and the present time. This is unfair to the persons performing the flashbacks. Their roles are not acting roles. The information they provide the audience is better off relayed as exposition.
--Consider visualizing the play without sets and props.
--Scene 10 is an abrupt flashback. How will the audience know this change in time if the players are the same players and of almost the same chronological ages as they are in the present time?
--Scene 11 is under-written and creates an aesthetic imbalance. Remember that you are writing a play, not a movie script that can employ long shots, close-ups, cut-to-cut shots, and a sound track.
--Finally, Scene 12 is the real beginning of the play. It is when the real dramatic crisis occurs, and it is as close to the climax as possible.

Do NOT be discouraged, Ivan. Mull over Scene 12 and see if you can propel the play from that scene onward without the use of flashbacks.

I look forward to the development of your play.

Dramaturgy for TheatreWorks Singapore: _Between the Lines_ by Danial

Hello Danial!

I enjoyed reading the draft you sent me. Here are my comments:

--A problem is dramatic only when something big is at stake, otherwise it is merely melodrama. You manifest unusual maturity in your writing, though, and I am certain that you can elevate the domestic issue you are writing about to a higher level. Depth in characterization is one way to do that; I can tell from what I have read so far that you are capable of doing it.

--Page 6, Line 13. ANDREW states that he gets to see his father only twice a year. Yet, on Page 9, Lines 12 and 19, SANDRA and MOTHER indicate that Danial gets to see his father on "weekends" and "some weekends".

--Page 12, First Stage Direction, Top of Page. In real life, a person administering a drawing test gives a subject a minimum of 30 minutes to complete his drawing. This gives allowance for the subject's anxiety and subconscious resistance--especially a subject who claims that he does not know how to draw.

--Page 12, Line 4. A 15-year-old boy will not draw a heart in the presence of a female psychiatrist, unless he has a crush on her. At that age, masculine power symbols (or broken power symbols, indicating impotence or frustration) would be more appropriate.

--Page 12, Line 9. ANDREW's narrative using the third person comes across as artificial or insincere.

--SANDRA is a mere foil. Do you intend to develop her character further? Other than being a psychiatrist and friend, what is her emotional investment in this play?

--Do we get to see the father at all, or will he be absent all throughout the play? If you intend to work him in, he should make an appearance as early as possible, in order to balance your orchestration of characters.

Overall, your point of attack is good and your dialogue is also excellent.

I very much look forward to the completion of your work.

Only when you proofread your work does it become a precious gem.

Dramaturgy for TheatreWorks: _WFTH_ by Yvonne

Hello Yvonne!

Your play is very refreshing and very intriguing.

My comments:

--Develop the first scene completely. Until you do so, your play will proceed with fits and starts.
--Page 5, End of Page: Marlon's dialogue is missing.
--Page 6, Third to Last Line: Is one X missing? Since your play is not yet fully written I have no idea what these Xs mean. Are these literally dialogue Xs or are they variables for something you still have not decided on?
--Page 7, Line 3: Are two Xs missing? The reader will tend to view all this as a cryptic puzzle.
--Page 8, Top of Page: Marlon's dialogue is missing.
--Settings are not clear. By Page 8, Ana should already be under arrest and Marlon should already be working deep into the case--this is what will propel your play forward rather than everyone waiting in agony for things to happen.
--Thrust your characters and their premise in the faces of your audiences. They will not know what is going on if, well into the scenes, they still do not know who the characters are and why they are there. 

Dramaturgy for TheatreWorks Singapore: _The Book of Mothers_ by Eleanor

Hello Eleanor!

You have a wonderful beginning for an interesting, feminist play. I wish you the stamina to carry the whole thing through.

Here are my comments:

--Scene One, Line 7: Unless your male character is offbeat, I find it inappropriate that he volunteers to tell someone about his wife's pregnancy. It is usually the woman who hogs that privilege. As a general rule men do not announce their wife's pregnancy to anyone because, psychologically: 1) he has a subliminal sense of guilt about the pregnancy; 2) he will initially be in denial because of the concomitant responsibilities implied by the pregnancy;  3) he will subconsciously ask himself whether he will make a good father; and 4) it is another goodbye to a comfortable, predictable life, the first goodbye being to bachelorhood and the second goodbye to being only a husband and not yet a father.
--When you write a play, you tend to think in terms of scenes you like; this will result in a disjointed play. Write the first scene as thoroughly as you can with your premise constantly in mind--afterward, allow the play to write itself from there without having to conform to the zinger lines and scenes that play themselves in your mind.
--This is the kind of play that hinges on the right balance and orchestration of characters. Otherwise it is better written as a complex monologue that employs supporting roles that revolve like satellites round a single protagonist.

Dramaturgy for TheatreWorks Singapore: Untitled by Eve

Hello Eve!

The draft you submitted promises to be an intense, emotional drama.

Here are my comments:

--It is interesting that in all the four scenes that you wrote so far, there is a box-like item that represents death and life: a coffin, a box on a trolley, a cardboard box of discarded treasures, and a TV set.
--Avoid cinematic treatment. Did you make a makeshift model of your stage? That is meant precisely to prevent cinematic treatment, by forcing you to visualize the action on your makeshift model.
--Avoid very short scenes. Why are short scenes unfair to the performer? Because he cannot step onstage and adequately develop emotional truth in a trice. By the time he achieves truth you are already calling a blackout and a scene change.

I look forward to the completion of this work.

Dramaturgy for TheatreWorks Singapore: "Duet" by Wisely

Hello Wisely!

Your manuscript is a complete vignette in itself.

Here are my comments:

--The play came out as a vignette rather than as a one-act play because the subject matter, although charming and successfully engaging, can go no further once the act of consummation is over.
--You have an excellent ear for dialogue. Develop it.
--Avoid cinematic treatment. Remember that you are writing for the stage.
--Do not write for a school audience.
--Discipline yourself to write longer pieces with more depth. Go for the one-act play, for starters. Vignettes are mere curtain-raisers or entre'-act fare. Write not only for yourself and people your age but for a wider audience range as well. You can do this and rivet your audience even if your characters are young--as young as the playwright or even younger--as was done by Rumer Godden in Battle of the Villa Fiorita. Ask yourself, what makes a play about young characters come across to the world as mature work?

Dramaturgy for TheatreWorks Singapore: Untitled by Wisely

Hello Wisely!

You submitted an interesting beginning for a play.

Here are my comments based on what I read:

--As I advised everyone during the workshop, try to avoid writing dialogue in terms of questions and answers. A character speaks because he NEEDS to, not because he wants information or wants to give it.
--The entrance of a new character should never be employed simply to provide exposition either for the audience or for the characters who are already onstage.
--Your pair begins with two pairs of characters with apparently two different sets of problems. It is not yet clear to me whether the two pairs of characters and their problems will illustrate one premise or two premises.
--I will not discourage you from pursuing the theme of sexual experience or exploration. A writer really learns from trial and error. Let me just mention here that seasoned playwrigtss like Tennessee Williams and Eugene O'Neill have tackled the subject matter in the light of the psychology of Sigmund Freud, but some of their works come across as intellectually immature.

Keep on writing. I will be there and guide you through it all.

We marvel at writers' recorded experiences and insights, but every writer has secrets he will never put into words and that he will take with him to the grave.