Hello Clara!
You submitted a well-written draft. If _Birth Days_ was a dramatic essay, "Make Sure" is a dramatic commentary. That these forms emerge in your oeuvre is definitely a result of your journalism. Here are my comments:
--The initial repartee between the GUARD and the DOCENT comes across as unreal, unless your intention is to write an absurd play a la Eugene Ionesco, which your work actually verges on.
--You are much better at writing in pure, straight English rather than mixing in Malay words for the GUARD's dialogue, unless you are intentionally portraying racial disconnect.
--Review your dialogue in favor of the spoken word, especially in your first few pages. I will give you only the first example I encountered: In Scene 1, Page 1, 9th Line from the Bottom, the GUARD says, "Please make sure you wear and display your sticker on your shirt at all times, while in the museum". If you omit the words and phrases in brackets--"Please [make sure you] wear [and display] your sticker [on your shirt] at all times[, while in the museum]", you will come up with "Please wear your sticker at all times", which is how it will be delivered in real life. I realize, of course, that your title is "Make Sure", so you could perhaps retain that.
--Exercise economy. Your play has too much art; it is almost like name-dropping.
--Your characters are not pleasant persons, so consider how that can actually alienate your audience.
--Your audience will be engaged only as late as Scene 5.
--The twist in Scene 8 is clever, but, after watching the play for the first time, will the audience want to watch it more than once, knowing that there is a twist in Scene 8?
--Over all, make up your mind as to what your play is focusing on: Absurdity of social norms? The value of breaking rigid rules? Authoritarianism and rebelliousness? Racial disconnect? The play dips in and out of those topics. As a result, the premise is unclear. For this one-act play, either go totally Absurd or totally Aristotelian.
Your work is promising, but ask yourself how many producers would actually take it and put it onstage. Otherwise it might be better off as a prose article.
You submitted a well-written draft. If _Birth Days_ was a dramatic essay, "Make Sure" is a dramatic commentary. That these forms emerge in your oeuvre is definitely a result of your journalism. Here are my comments:
--The initial repartee between the GUARD and the DOCENT comes across as unreal, unless your intention is to write an absurd play a la Eugene Ionesco, which your work actually verges on.
--You are much better at writing in pure, straight English rather than mixing in Malay words for the GUARD's dialogue, unless you are intentionally portraying racial disconnect.
--Review your dialogue in favor of the spoken word, especially in your first few pages. I will give you only the first example I encountered: In Scene 1, Page 1, 9th Line from the Bottom, the GUARD says, "Please make sure you wear and display your sticker on your shirt at all times, while in the museum". If you omit the words and phrases in brackets--"Please [make sure you] wear [and display] your sticker [on your shirt] at all times[, while in the museum]", you will come up with "Please wear your sticker at all times", which is how it will be delivered in real life. I realize, of course, that your title is "Make Sure", so you could perhaps retain that.
--Exercise economy. Your play has too much art; it is almost like name-dropping.
--Your characters are not pleasant persons, so consider how that can actually alienate your audience.
--Your audience will be engaged only as late as Scene 5.
--The twist in Scene 8 is clever, but, after watching the play for the first time, will the audience want to watch it more than once, knowing that there is a twist in Scene 8?
--Over all, make up your mind as to what your play is focusing on: Absurdity of social norms? The value of breaking rigid rules? Authoritarianism and rebelliousness? Racial disconnect? The play dips in and out of those topics. As a result, the premise is unclear. For this one-act play, either go totally Absurd or totally Aristotelian.
Your work is promising, but ask yourself how many producers would actually take it and put it onstage. Otherwise it might be better off as a prose article.
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